my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
