"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
