He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
