Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
