Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
