Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
