I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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