i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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