i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
a search helicopter?!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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