The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize