She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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