The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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