If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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