he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
