I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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