I wish I could punch you in the face.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
