i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
