So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
