can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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