And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
how drunk are you?
Several
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
