I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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