Its about making memories worth repressing
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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