im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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