you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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