I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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