Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Of course I have a pirate flag
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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