I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
