Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
