I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
