Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize