eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
