if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
