I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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