I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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