Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize