Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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