She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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