I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
two words: eviction party
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
