Swine flu is the new snow day.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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