my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
