How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
