I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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