I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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