I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
