i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
