I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
