I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
