My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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