you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
