Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize