Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
