I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
