My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
