i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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