I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
