I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
