Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
