when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
