I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
