don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
