did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
