dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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