I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
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