I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
