I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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