the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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