What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
