I wish I could teleport
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
