3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
