i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
